Spider-Man 3
Running time: 140 minutes
MPAA rating: PG-13
By the time you read this, Spider-Man 3 will have made so much money, it would be enough for Angelina Jolie to adopt three-fourths of Africa. Which means, even though I say this movie is sloppily written, woodenly acted and a colossal waste of time, it wont matter. If you wanted to see the movie, you already have; and if you have no intentions of seeing the movie, well … you wouldnt be reading a review of it, right?
So, how do I review a critic-proof film? Same as I always do: By callin em as I sees em.
Theres a scene near the beginning of the picture where escaped convict Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) transforms in to the shape-shifting villain, Sandman. At first all we see is a pile of sand. And slowly, painfully it wills itself into becoming a man. It is one of the most poetic and beautiful scenes Ive witnessed in the past year, and a great piece of acting.
Problem is, it was entirely computer-generated. The best acting in the movie was manufactured by a team of computer nerds not performed by an actor. What does that tell you about the movie?
None of the lead actors in Spider-Man 3 give noteworthy performances. In fact, some of them Kirsten Dunst in particular are just painfully annoying to watch.
Tobey Maguire (Peter Parker/Spider-Man) isnt much better. When he isnt doing that googly-eye Froggy Face expression, hes crying like a whipped Girl Scout. When his character becomes possessed by the Alien Black Suit, hes supposed to become a Bad Boy. For Toby, that means wearing too much mascara and combing his hair down. Im paying 10 bucks to see Spider-Man, not Emo Boy, for cryin out loud.
The script is also a mess. Its like director/co-writer Sam Raimi didnt know whether he was making a comic book movie or a B-grade chick flick. The film jerks back and forth between mostly-computer-generated action sequences and overwrought, teary-eyed soap opera-esque melodrama. Everyone in the movie cries at some point. And whats worse is that the soap opera stuff is two-thirds of the movie.
And the less said about the musical and dancing sequences (and there are quite a few) the better.
I honestly cant recommend Spider-Man 3. If you MUST see it (and you havent already), wait for it to hit the dollar movies or rent the DVD. For a film that cost Sony a reported $500 million to release, we should expect a lotta bang for our buck. Spider-Man 3 just fizzles.
GRADE: C-